INTOMOONSMIND: Does love have a definition?

I find myself questioning what the meaning of love is during this romantic month. I have been in a few relationships, yet none have led me closer to defining that word. Is it the pain in heartbreak or the beauty in yearning? Whatever it may be, I am constantly left begging for more. 

Valentine’s day, the “day of love,” and the perfect day to berate partners for not getting you the chocolates you like. It is supposed to be a day full of love and passion, unless you are anything like me and still miss that one boy from sixth grade. Then the holiday can be an endless misery, leaving you to question if you will ever get over this unbearable feeling.

Still, I go about my day, walking around campus and going to work, surrounded by love. The birds that sing to each other across the sky, the friends that laugh unabashedly together, the person at the Union who plays for the lunch-rush crowd. So much love and I still want more. I have come to the conclusion that because I do not have a definition for love I am left wanting more. That cannot be true, though.

I used to tell myself I was put on this earth to show others love, so why do I crave it the most? Stephen Chbosky, author of “The Perks of Being a Wallflower,” states in the book, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” This made me realize the battle I was fighting was always in my head. I am a person who wears my heart on my sleeve, but simultaneously has many walls built. Of course I could not feel loved. I am worthy of giving others honest love, so, I too, am worthy of receiving pure love. If I believe that I am surrounded by love then I am abundant in it. I do not need more, I am more. 

Learning that love comes from within is something I am still learning. My human desires tend to overcome my subconscious mind. Self-love is the one kind of love that I have always had. After losing someone or something I loved,  it still comes back to me. Love is always around me. I am still learning how to let go, maybe that is a part of love too. I never got over how my grandma got rid of a toy microphone of mine that I loved. The day I could not find it was the first time I experienced heartbreak. The memory of it lives on, and there is a picture of me holding it with my grandma that I cherish. The love I have for it has not gone away and I yearn for it. 

Maybe I will always miss that boy from sixth grade, the cute guy from the bakery, the one from class and maybe even the asshole who broke my heart. I will always love. I will love loudly and unapologetically because in a world so seemingly hateful, love is a powerful feeling. Love can change someone and love can grow. I still do not have a definition of love, but I know that I am in love - with myself and with my beautiful surroundings. Love is everywhere. 

About Me

Moon Phases is the treasurer for Women In Media and may be reached at 114mchavez@gmail.com or @beyondthestarsintothemoon on Instagram.